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It's been over a year since I've updated this blog. That's ridiculous. And I have SO much to write about. In the last year I have discovered who Rebekah is, who she has been, and who she wants to be. I have discovered who my God is... and always has been. I'v discovered all the the things my mother was always right about, that I never believed. I've discovered all the things I thought my mother was wrong about, that I realized weren't actually WRONG... just different from what I believe... and discovered that that's TOTALLY okay. I've discovered that I can live alone... for a long time, and be totally happy. I've discovered that I can have a totally UNfulfilling (professionally) job, and still be totally happy. I've discovered that I can be totally single, and be totally happy. I've discovered that I can have a car with a million and one problems, and fix a million and a HALF of them myself... with a few exceptions. I've discovered I can handle having needles put medications in me, and take blood out of me, without passing out... and be thankful that those things are being done. I've discovered I can survive and even function quite well on my own, with little to no help from any physical person. I've also discovered the blessings of being helped to survive and function from other physical people. I've discovered that I don't even have to have a dog to be happy. (smile) I have SO much to blog about. But I won't blog about all of that right now. I'll just hit a few hi-lights for now.

I'm having some medical issues. We don't really know what's wrong with me. I'm having debilitating headaches, intense dizziness, and severe disorientation, with little memory of the latter, when the formers have ceased. I've had a CT, MRA, full lab panel, CT Angiogram, and am scheduled to have an LP this coming Tuesday. I'm on medications to PREVENT the pain and medications to TREAT the pain when it comes anyways. I've been told by doctors, that I could die within 24 hours... and then "reassured" by OTHER doctors, that this is surely, not true, that I probably won't die for a good 10 days. How nice. I've been blessed with doctors and specialists that I know personally and are family friends who I completely trust. I've been blessed with wonderful friends to sit in doctors offices and hold my hand while I try not to have panic attacks over needles that appear the size of rockets, but are really so small that I can't feel them when they go into me. I've been blessed with precious friends who stay up with me all hours of the night letting me ramble through my feelings, so that I can sleep a little bit easier and feel loved. I've decided that if God sees fit to take me Home, I'm totally ready to go. And I've decided that if God sees fit to leave me here for another 24 hours or 10 days, I'm totally ready to stay for 24 hours or 10 days. And I've ALSO decided that if God sees fit to let me stay here for a long time... I'm ready for that too. The INTERESTING thing that I've discovered, is that, while I'm fine with ALL of these things, I DO have a preference. I WANT to hang around a little while longer. I want to have a few more Octobers... I WANT to get married and have babies... lots of them. (smile) I WANT to go visit other countries... maybe even live there... for an extended period of time... and appreciate what they have to offer... and maybe then appreciate more what mine has to offer. I WANT to do these things. If I can't... that's okay too, but I'm aware that I want something now. I'm also INSANELY aware, that THAT desire, may not be an option, and that today, my just be my last day. Now... I am very aware that this is not a new set of circumstances... but it sure FEELS new! And it has changed the way I live. I am a better me because some goofball doctor who may or may not have known what he was talking about, told me that I would probably die within 24 hours. I am thankful.

I'm currently working at a pain management clinic in a hospital near where I live. I make follow-up appointments and scan papers into electronic charts all day long. It's not the most fulfilling job I've ever had... but I have LOTS of opportunities to work on being the best Rebekah I can be while I'm there... WITHOUT the distraction of a crazy difficult or weird job. I also get to see how God has answered a prayer of mine, by being there. When living in Lake Charles several years ago, in talking to my good friend Jason, I realized that a HUGE fault of mine, was that I am very selfish, and this is manifested in many ways, but maybe most often, in my lack of concern or care for other peoples hurts and problems. I prayed that God would change this in me, and replace my lack of concern with a very genuine and intense care for others; allowing me to not only hurt with them... but hurt with them AS THEY HURT. In working at a pain management clinic, I am confronted with people in very real (and sometimes, very imagined, but even then, very SEEMINGLY real) pain, and in need of someone to hurt for them and with them. I am now able to be that person. That's an amazing thing to me. And I'm very thankful.
I'm currently looking for a new church. I've been playing the piano at a church here in Beaumont for over a year, but am now looking for a place just to attend, and be ministered TO for a little while. I feel I'm in need of a little recharging of sorts, in order for me to continue investing in other peoples lives.

Which brings me to my new hobby. SALSA. I started taking lessons in August of 2008, and thought I would just take lessons for a month, get it out of my system, and move on. Thankfully, that is NOT how this played out. I am now at the studio where I started, 4 nights a week, and on a performance team, and dancing SOMEWHERE just about every single weekend. I love it. But more than I love this beautiful art, I love the people I've met there. I am attempting to invest in their lives. I want to be Jesus to them. I've really sucked at this at some points. That's okay. I'm not sucking at the moment. I'm doing that absolute most that I can. And I'm thankful for that. I see the benefits from the 15 months I've invested. I love these people. I hurt with these people. I enjoy bongos and the clave with these people. I shimmy and do body rolls with these people. I sit and have a beer and talk about lives problems with these people. I am so thankful for them. I am thankful for the role they are playing in my life... both as individuals as well as a unit. I am also thankful for the role that I am playing in THEIR lives... whether they are aware of this role or not.

I've made some new friends... and quickly decided that I love them to death, and trust them implicitly, and I've been RE-introduced to some old friends and realized that I love them just as much as I did when we were "actively" friends, and trust them more than I did before... even though before I would have describe my trust as: implicit. (smile) I am blessed. And I am thankful.

I don't have much besides that. Well... I do... but it's too much to try to write about at 1am. I go to work. I go to church. I go to salsa. I play with my puppies. I am enjoying my life and the people in it (whether all tangled up in it on a daily basis, of just coasting on the fringes) to the fullest capacity. I am enjoying my God and who He is and who He has made me.

He is good.

And I am thankful.

Loving Jesus and loving His people,

Rebekah