"I've lost so much along the way."

Pieces
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from You
A broken mess
Just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole

I've come undone
But You make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in Your hand

When I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole

I tried so hard
So hard
I tried so hard

Then I see Your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I'd lost before
You call my name
I come to You pieces
So You can make me whole
So You can make me whole
As performed by Red


My baby died last night. Her name was Fermata. She was 7 months and 7 days old. She was beautiful... and smart... and hilarious. She made my whole family laugh... even when she did infuriating things... like... chewing up Rachel's dress shoes... or ripping Mom's couch... or digging... in the carpet... or shredding a roll of paper towels all over the house... or jumping up on the furniture... or eating the foam out of her doggie bed... twice... or going to the bathroom... in Caleb's tennis shoes... or on the bathroom rug... or the living room carpet... or next to Mom's desk... or on Daniel's sleeping bag...or on Matt Bearb... every single time he came over to visit. (smile) She was good at those things. But she was also really good at sitting when told to sit... and laying down when shown with my hand the "lay down" sign... and barking on command... and she was getting really good at staying... even when she really wanted to be moving... and eating the doggie treat we were dangling in front of her face. She was precious. I loved her... a lot. She was my baby. I would have done anything for her. I totally just slapped another dog, full across the head last week when it was mean to Fermata. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I thought she was in danger. But I wasn't here last night when someone ran over her in the street right by my house. And it's probably good I wasn't... I would have thrown down with that driver in a heartbeat and taken them out before they knew what had hit them.

I used to think that people who got upset and cried or asked for prayer over a lost pet were incredibly weak and ridiculous. I'm shocked that I have responded the way I have. I don't know that I've ever been this sad. I was sad when my dad died. But I knew he was in heaven and didn't have to be here. I was sad when my mom had a heart attack, but she made it through that and was fine afterwards. I was sad when I decided to live a life of sin and really mess my life up, but I knew I was to blame and that Christ forgave me. I'm heartbroken over Fermata and there is no "positive side". She isn't in heaven. She's not better. And there's nothing I can do to fix things. She won't be sleeping with me anymore. She won't go crazy and jump on me for 10 minutes when I come home in the evening. She won't beg for my food... she won't drench me when I'm trying to give her a bath... she won't howl when I'm trying to sleep... she won't sit in my lap and chew on her toys. She won't cock her head to the side and perk her ears up when I talk to her. She won't "give Mommy kisses" anymore. She loved me more than she loved anyone else. I was her Mommy! She loved me no matter what. I've lost that. I've lost a that piece of my life.

I drove my car into a lake a few weeks ago. Not really, but close to it. It was totaled out. I don't have a car anymore. I had insurance though and the money from that JUST paid off my debt. Leaving me with no car AND no money... and no independence. I lost that piece of my life.

I don't know that this is punishment for choices I've made recently, but I'm starting to think maybe it is. But regardless of that, I have been convicted of something. Today my dear friend, Abi, called me to check on my as I was so distraught last night. As I was talking to her about why I loved Fermata and was so upset, she reminded me that I should love Christ for the same reasons... and even more so. And that He loves me just as Fermata did... unconditionally. I knew those things of course. But I needed to be reminded. I could tell Fermata all the horrible things I had done... and she didn't care at all. She still thought I hung the moon... and filled the food dish. Jesus, of course, loves me the same way. And I knew that in my head. But didn't really have a picture of what that looked like. Now I do. I have a picture of my sweet baby sitting in front of my, head cocked to the side, ears perked up, looking at me with so much love, just waiting for me love on her. I can't tell you how I'll miss that... I already do miss that. But Christ really is the exact same in that way. He really doesn't care about what I've done in the past. He's forgiven me of that before I even did it. He loves me as if I never did it. So while I lost my unconditional love in one way, I've been reminded that it is still there in another way. I lost my independence when I lost my car this past month, and have had to completely rely on others to help me get from place to place, but this too has reminded me that I am NOT self-sufficient, and shouldn't think that I am. I am a small person. A weak person. Who can't do jack on her own. But one who serves a very huge and strong Father, who loves me and provides for me how He knows is best. And I am to rely fully on that, and not myself. This song totally reminds me of these things. And I'm convicted. "I tried so hard... thought I could do this on my own... I've lost so much along the way. Then I see Your face. I know I'm finally Yours. I find EVERYTHING I thought I'd lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces... so You can make me whole." Very appropriate. What an amazing thought... that He can do that.


Finding things I thought I'd lost,
Rebekah